One Year
by Sakura no Umi
Summary: One year later and the death of his brother still haunts Yoh. Perhaps closure is waiting for him in Izumo, but he doubts he can ever get over killing a part of himself when he killed Hao. [rewrite of It Still Hurts]


After obsessively getting back into Shaman King this past week (as in read the entire series and watched the entire anime) I've decided to do a rewrite of one of my first fics_ It Still Hurts_. It's very near and dear to my heart and decided that I could probably improve upon it. The original can still be found on my account.

Set in anime verse because that actually had an ending at the time of writing this although there are some vague mentions to manga things.

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own Shaman King.**

**_One Year_**

One year ago today a part of Yoh had died. He still laughed and acted like himself, but if one were to look carefully they would notice that he had never been the same since that day. But who could blame the teen? He hadn't wanted to, but destiny, a destiny he wished he could have changed, forced him to. He had killed his brother Hao, his twin, his other half of his soul. Emotionally it almost destroyed him. During the Shaman Fight he had fought so hard to avoid killing. He had intervened in other people's lives just to stop them from taking someone else. He'd only wished he could have done the same for Hao, but all that power had destroyed his brother. He snapped. Hao could not be stopped any other way, and if Yoh hadn't killed him then everyone would be dead. It was a sacrifice he wished he hadn't had to make.

The others thought his pain had come from having to kill. They didn't understand. No one understood. They had all conveniently forgotten the tidbit that Yoh was a part of Hao. At the time he was grateful that they had stood up for him saying Yoh was Yoh and Hao was Hao, but now he wished they hadn't brushed it off so easily. He truly was part of Hao soul. They shared the same furiyoku and even their personalities had been affected. Yoh was lazy because Hao was ambitious. Hao got loud and explosive when he was angry, but Yoh was hardly ever angered, but when he was he got quite. Yoh was able to make friends and show compassion where Hao couldn't. While the two were alive they felt whole even with those traits missing, but now with Hao dead he felt the cold emptiness in the pit of his stomach. That's why one year later Yoh Asakura could be found on a train to his childhood home completely alone.

He had left quietly leaving even Amidamaru behind. Sure Amidamara was the closest to understanding how he felt when the others couldn't see it, but no one understood how he felt about Hao. They saw him as crazy and constantly torturing Yoh, and while it was true that Hao did a lot of things to aggravate him he was still his brother. That bond between siblings that Horohoro and Ren should know so well, but they all decided he didn't have it because he hadn't grown up with Hao. They were wrong.

He liked to pretend that he was going unnoticed as he crept around the Asakura compound, but he knew that Tamao or his father had already foretold this moment long before he got here. Even if he knew they didn't approve, he also knew they would leave him alone. They all felt guilty about that life they knew he would live from the moment he was born. They all knew they were raising him to kill his brother because only an Asakura could remove the sin of the Asakura.

He arrived at the place he had sneaked off to so often as a child. The wooded clearing had brought him just as much peace as starring up at the starry sky. As a child he assumed his fascination with the clearing had been the way the sun fell though the leaves and danced across the grass and his face, but now he knew the real reason that this part of the woods had seemed enchanting as a child. Below his feet lay a shrine dedicated to Hao's first life. His furiyoku coursed through the ground, keeping the animals at bay. But Yoh hadn't felt the power behind the furiyoku and trembled, instead he has felt what was missing from his soul. Here he had found a connection, that he didn't know he craved, for a brother he didn't know existed.

While he was tempted to just lay there on the grass and feel whole again for the first time in a year, he knew there was work to be down. While the shrine below his feet was dedicated to Hao, it had also been built by him and sealed by him. While no one in his family knew of this or told him about it, he just knew these details in his heart and mind. Hao had been paranoid. He'd wanted to preserve his hard work and perhaps pretend he was loved by a clan he had started, but had turned its backs on the founder. Not for the first time Yoh wondered if when Hao had tried to merge their souls if he had come out with a little bit of the first Hao and his knowledge.

He sat with palms on the grass fingers curling gently around the blades of grass. Eyes closed he slowly sent his furiyoku out to probe the ancient one sleeping in the ground. Two energies one and the same brushed and then mingled dancing and intertwining together. The ground slowly opened up around the shaman and gently lowered him into the area below before it closed up like nothing had happened.

After a moment he got up and slowly made his way to the shrine. The teaching of the pentagram lay etched into the walls, but Yoh wasn't looking for a way to beat death. Instead he was looking for the shrine. Next to the old painting of the original Hao he placed his own drawing. He regretted not having a proper picture, but Hao didn't have any pictures of himself on principle and their relationship had never included spontaneous pictures at the Shaman Fight.

After brushing the dust off with his fingers he lit the incense that he had brought and placed it in front of the pictures. Next he lit the age old candle, one his brother had left three lifetimes ago. Kneeling he silently offered up a prayer for his brother. Formalities done his hands went to grip his knees as his mask shattered and allowed everything he had wanted to say to flow free.

"Why did it have to be like this Hao? I didn't want to kill you, I wanted to save you. I could have changed your heart like I did for Anna. Why did you have to choose the road that led to one of our deaths?

"The others don't understand. They don't understand that a part of me died that day. They think I just killed a worthless person who happened to be my brother. They feel sorry for me because I killed, they don't understand the pain of cutting your own self in two. I felt the blow I dealt you. I felt sick as a part of me turned ice cold and disappeared forever. I don't feel warmth anymore, not like I used to.

"But to you this is all fun and games. 500 year from now is just another life for you. Another chance to become Shaman King and toy with another descendent. I pray that I won't be reincarnated. I can't go through this again. The pain is too much and it will stay with me until the day I die

"I hope your happy wherever you because I'm not, but then again I don't know if you ever feel joy since I hardly ever feel anger...I wish I could have shown you happiness. I wish we could have been brothers."

He got up smearing tears off his face as he clumsily wiped them. He extinguished the incense and turned to leave this place for another year. As his sandals thunked on the earth path he froze as a voice echoed throughout the cavern. It was everywhere and nowhere at once.

"I'm sorry," it whispered.

"I never wanted this to happen," it dripped down with heavy remorse.

"Power blinded me. It suffocated me. I couldn't realized that I wanted to be saved until after it was too late," the words crept into themselves with regret.

"I know you don't want this, but I do wish that in 500 years you will be born again with me. I wish to remember what this life taught me so I will stay. I've...I've always wanted a brother," the light almost extinguished itself.

"And if you are my brother again then I know I will be saved. Perhaps this time my, no our, soul will split better and you can share some of my burden of anger and I can experience some of my joy. I know how much I've hurt you and I won't force another lifetime of this on you again. Goodbye my brother, and I love you even if I couldn't show it," the light flickered ready to go out.

"Wait, Hao!"

The light brightened tentatively and an unknown wind brushed his face.

"If it would be different like you said, then I would like that. I would like that a lot."

The light flared up casting a warm glow happy to burn for as long as the wick would allow. The smile that tugged at Yoh's lips reached his eyes for the first time in a year as he ascended out of the earth and back into the forest. The cold hollow that had filled him for so long had warmed. It was still empty but closure with his brother had mended it. He would never be the same person he was before he left for the Shaman Fight, but now he could finally start moving forward. The present was now and the future stood shining brightly before him as the past finally released him. He would never get over killing his brother, but he had found the strength to move forward and enjoy what each day brought. Who knows when he finally passed on and his soul reunited with Hao's maybe all this happiness would help his brother. He would be fine if it broke the cycle of reincarnation and instead they could live in the Great Spirit together as brothers.


End file.
